It’s never too late to be who you want to be

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Guilty as charged. It’s been a year since I last blogged. Life gets in the way as always. But here I am. Trying again. I guess that’s what counts…kinda. Not like anyone is keeping tabs anyway hey.

One and a half weeks ago, both my kids were sick. They were both whining and crying all day and driving me totally bonkers. At the end of the day, my husband came home and took them down to the courtyard to play to get them out of my hair, and usually I would have grabbed a bar of chocolate and collapsed on my bed and opened up YouTube or Netflix…but that day I didn’t. That day I tied my hair back, put on a sports bra (it’s a miracle in itself I found one in my closet) and my runners and went for a run.

The thing is…I’m not a jogger. I have never been. And I never thought I would be. In fact, I run around on my feet all day with the kids as I don’t drive (yet) so the last thing I want to do is run for leisure at the end of the day. But I’m learning to stop thinking there are things in life that I can’t or won’t do.

So I jogged/walked to the docks. When I was younger, I used to come here at night, lie on a pier and stare at the stars. This is actually where my husband proposed because we used to come here together all the time. I sat here and stared out in the distance. I took in the crisp air, the light from the setting sun reflecting in the rippling waters, the music blaring from the nearby restaurants, and the distinct lack of my offspring screaming in my ears. Wow, this is what the world used to sound like before I had kids hey.

I stared at the buildings across the docks and wondered when did so many of them pop up? I swear the place was so empty 10 years ago. Everything has changed so much, and yet I haven’t. Yes I’m a mum now. Yes I have so much more responsibilities. But besides that, I still haven’t ticked things off the “goals” lists of 10 years ago. So in that 5 minutes I had sitting on a bench on my own, I made a choice. To still be my own person despite having kids. To never stop learning and striving and thriving. To be more than I ever thought I could be. It was only 5 minutes in silence admiring mother nature, but it was incredibly energising.

Two days later, I decided to wean Miss 2 completely. She will be 3 in two months and I was emotionally ready. We had been slowly cutting back over the last couple months and moving her into her sister’s room and I felt going cold turkey was the next step for both our benefit. I needed to cut the cord, and she needed to learn her own coping strategies instead of constantly turning to my boob for comfort. Obviously it was a rough first few days. Rough for her learning to sleep without me, rough for my husband who was taking her, and rough for me with my crazy engorged boobs. I seriously thought my milk had almost dried up at that point but…my rock hard boobs were telling me otherwise! But after the worst engorgement days were over, I suddenly felt a new lease on life. Six and a half years of either being pregnant or breastfeeding, or both…IT WAS DONE. I wasn’t sustaining a little person anymore. My body was my own again. I could wear whatever I want. I could be apart from my kids as long as I wanted. Miss 2 was learning to be independent. Sleep wasn’t such a huge fight anymore. She is our last child so I suddenly felt the liberty to think about getting back to studying or working. I could think about ME. It’s a new era- life after babies.

So here I am…it’s the end of 2018 and I’m once again going “next year is a new year with new resolutions”. Sounds like a broken record, I know, but I feel this time it’s actually different. It’s different because my kids are older and more independent and I can realistically do so much more now than I could over the last few years when they were younger. It’s different because I’m not 18 anymore with only myself to think of. I actually have a family so it’s not just about my own happiness anymore, it’s about theirs too…my happiness and how I live my life affects them. If you’re not living your best life, neither will your kids because they are dependent on you and also feed off your energy. That adds on a profound sense of responsibility. I’m in my thirties and realise I have to start adulting. There is no second option anymore.

I decided to hop back on this blog because I feel blogging keeps me accountable and also helps me organise my thoughts and reflect on what I’m doing. It’s very hard for me to be consistent and, more importantly, open and vulnerable, with blogging because I hold things very close to my heart. I am not an open book. I am naturally introverted. There is no best girlfriend or sister I tell everything to. I don’t like people knowing what’s going on inside my head because I don’t want them to worry about me or start giving me endless advice about how to do this and that when I just need space to reflect on my own. But just like learning to jog, I know I can learn to be more honest and open with myself and others around me, and learn to let other people in to my world. I can learn that people give advice only because they care. I can own my own truth and mistakes and not constantly censor myself.

I might regret this in the weeks to come, but I’m gonna try (for the 101th time), to blog consistently with all the things I’m learning about myself and life in this new era. I don’t know who reads this blog anymore but if you do, thank you for loyalty and patience. You’re welcome to tag along for the ride…again. Promise it won’t stop abruptly this time.

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