I have a funny confession. I have been watching videos and reading articles on the art of pickup. What is pickup? It’s basically the art of picking up girls to sleep with. So clearly I’m not watching it to learn how to get into a girl’s pants, but what I’ve been finding interesting about it is how much it teaches in terms of self-development and learning to become your authentic self.
Most of the guys involved in the pickup artistry are not the greatest lookers and usually would have had some kind of inferiority complex in the past that was repelling girls, hence why they would need to actually spend heaps of time and effort learning the art of picking up girls. Whereas guys tend to be quite superficial when it comes to initial attraction, girls are usually attracted to personality. So what these guys have had to learn to attract opposite sex is how to be the best version of themselves and develop this brash confidence when it comes to talking to women.
You might think most of these pickup artists are just sleazeballs and fakers trying to get as many notches on their belt as possible, but to retain stamina in the game you really need to actually like yourself and be 100% yourself. This is not something you should be “putting on” to get a one night stand. Being confident in attracting people needs to become a way of living. Sure there are still people out there who teach set pickup techniques (specific opening lines and all sorts of tricks to get a girl interested in you) that most women associate with the term “pickup artist”, but if you do that you’re eventually going to realise that building relationships via fakery will just leave you feeling empty inside. The key to attracting people, creating quality relationships (or hookups if that’s your thing), and finding happiness is to be real.
The dudes from simplepickup.com being real. Yes you better believe these guys have learned how to be irresistible to women.
Learning to pick up girls really teaches you to talk to anyone in general…even as a girl not intending to pick up girls, there is so much to learn from it and let’s face it, it makes for a pretty entertaining self-development course in general. To me, what is fascinating to learn is how these guys overcome all their past insecurities and childhood oppression (from crazy/strict parents) to be so highly confident and sociable, able to go out and do things they never would’ve thought was possible before. It sounds weird but I’m finding that learning to pick up chicks can actually make you a better friend, spouse, sibling, daughter/son and even a better parent…because you’re learning to the be the best you and deal with people in a real way with no fakery, social masks and beating around the bush.
I’m honestly just at the tip of the iceberg but here are some things I’m learning so far:
This is the number one tip most pickup experts give first. Everyone has a bullshit meter and they can pick up when you’re being fake. I find that a lot of these guys pick up girls by directly telling the woman she’s so beautiful and they want to talk to her. It can actually be a bit cringey to watch but it works because it’s the truth and the girl instantly knows they’re interested in her (and can also choose to turn down the guy quickly if she’s not interested without wasting anyone’s time).
Good pickup artists don’t beat around the bush. Even when the girl is in a group or with a friend, the guy will make it very clear that his intention is to talk to that one specific woman. If it isn’t clear you’re hitting on the woman, you’ll just end up “friend-zoned”. No one can read your mind- say what you mean! Make your intentions clear from the start, Otherwise you’re just wasting time. Time you don’t have.
Lead, don’t plead
Speak with intention. Be a leader. Stop searching for approval. Believe they are always going to say yes. You don’t ask them if they want a coffee, you tell them when you are going to get it! What’s the worst that can happen? They reject you! Then you move on. People mirror what you put out. If you doubt yourself in any way, they will pick up on it and doubt your authenticity too. What often happens though is that when you are confident in taking the reins, people around you tend to naturally respond to you and become more open to saying yes.
Bizarrely, this is very applicable to being a parent. It teaches you to be more direct and firm with your kids. No beating around the bush. Sometimes when you want them to do something, you just have to tell them instead of asking them or giving them options. What’s also important is your body language and tone of voice. If you don’t mean it to be a question, make sure it doesn’t sound like one (I’m very guilty of this and my toddler can definitely sense I am the softer parent!).
You need to accept not everyone will like you
Most of us don’t put ourselves out there or are not showing others who we really are because we are fearful of people not liking us. We are afraid of being hurt, rejected or criticised if we show our true intentions or speak what we’re really thinking. But the reality is that to live a satisfying, fulfilling, high-achieving life, you need to accept it is impossible for everyone to like you. Just tell yourself there will always be people who will hate on you- you can’t run away from it or prevent it from happening! It’s just a part of living an awesome life.
Seriously, what’s the point of going through life lukewarm and neutral and having everyone just kind of like you as opposed to being completely yourself, having a few haters, but then also having people really like you?
Put yourself out there and stop worrying
If you want to pick up girls, you have to get out there and just do it. This is the same with anything in life. If you want a better job opportunity, you have to keep sending out those resumes, going for every interview (even if you don’t intend to take the job), calling people and networking etc. Get used to rejection. Don’t talk yourself out of an opportunity before you grab it. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain. The worst scenario is you get a no. But what if the hot girl/life says yes? You might have just passed up on the best moment of your life because you were too afraid.
Intentionally put yourself out of your comfort zone and confront your fear, whatever it is. Wear a stupid costume in public like those guys above. Attend a Toastmasters. Try your hand at an acting improvisation workshop. Go to a party and aim to introduce yourself to as many new people as possible. For me, I’m just trying to write and press the “Publish” button and not the “Delete” one. The key is practice, practice, practice…and really just don’t give a hoot…and you will eventually desensitise yourself to your fear. The reality also is that the rejection is easier if you actually learn to like yourself. If you don’t, you just start dwelling on all your insecurities when sometimes someone turning you down has nothing to do with you personally at all.
I’m starting to realise that what you worry other people will think is really just a projection of your own insecurities. Do you notice how you always feel like everyone is staring at you when you have a huge zit on your face? Chances are they’re not actually thinking “OMG how huge is that zit???” but maybe are wondering if you could direct them to the nearest train station…or that the top you have on is nice…or that your dog is cute…or they’re not actually looking at you or thinking anything at all (this is the most likely scenario, really).
When your kid is throwing a tantrum in the supermarket you might feel like everyone is judging you but what if they’re really not? Honestly when I see a screaming kid I empathise because I’ve been there too. I used to feel self-conscious about breastfeeding in public but now I realise most people really aren’t looking at me judging me…and those who are might actually be thinking “Ah I remember when I used to do that” instead of “That’s disgusting!” What you think other people are thinking (unless they really come up to you and say something!) is just a projection of your own perceptions and belief system. The world is in your head. If you think you’re not a great person or you don’t have a chance at picking up this girl/getting this job/succeeding…the battle is already half lost before it’s even begun.
You need to be 100% yourself
Don’t fake it. Don’t censor yourself. Don’t actually pretend to be interested in things you’re not or agree with the other person because you’re afraid of being judged or offending them. Don’t try to be over-confident or extroverted if you’re actually not. The reality is that the people you are meant to “vibe” with will respond to you despite the fact that you admitted you don’t like puppies. And those that are offended by who you are aren’t worth your time.
You need to be the same person in real life as you are on the phone, behind your keyboard and in every other scenario. Not being yourself all the time is a hard job to keep up with. I should know…I do it all the time! Behind the keyboard, I tend to speak my mind. In person, I don’t because disagreeing with someone face-to-face is certainly something different…but something I know I need to get over.
So that’s just a few things I’ve learned about how to attract people, talk to people and just be yourself. Honestly I used to be a lot more extroverted and enjoy building relationships and even talking to strangers. Then I got hurt and closed up. I thought I didn’t need anyone. I felt it was pointles meeting new people and making new friends. Now I’m slowly learning we are all social creatures and our lives are richer with people in it. We just need to learn how to not care about the people who don’t matter, and care about those who do.
I am also at a stage in my life where I don’t have time and energy to waste on fairweather friends. I want to build engaging relationships in my life and be a better wife and mum. So I’m learning to put myself out there, take risks, and stay real. I know I still have a long way to go in coming out of my introverted shell…but at least I’m acknowledging that there’s sunlight out there and taking that baby step out.